| uggghhh uggghh ugggghhh.... |
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| 12:56am 04/11/2003 |
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mood:  sick music: ..xXx..Operation Ivy..xXx..
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.:*x*:. Blah. I'm sick. I feel like poo. And I wish it would stop. :( I've been drinking lots of tea and sleeping all day. Thats always nice, WHEN YOU'RE NOT SICK. Ok, whoever gave me the flue is gonna get kicked in the balls.
(assuming that you have them) Anyways, I miss my friends! I haven't seen anyone since Friday, but for some reason it seems like a month! I wish I could just see them all like right now! I wanna give hugs! I want a big group hug! I wanna hold a sleep club meeting! ahaha!
*I swear Josh we'll do that someday!* Ok, thats it, I'm going to Huntington tommorow! Sick or not, I'll just wear a mask over my mouth, that way I can't spread the disease, if ya know what I mean.... ? .... Grrr... I wish someone was on the computer so I would have someone to talk too! I'm soo bored! Uhh, Ok, Thats all.
.:*Goodnight!*:.
XoXo |
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| ......Boo!.......... |
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| 10:53pm 30/10/2003 |
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mood:  silly music: Bouncing Souls - Mixtape!
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..... Happy Hallow's Eve! I didn't give out any candy, nor did I get any. :( But it's ok! I'm WAY excited for the big costume party tommorow night! whoop whoop! I'm not gonna get to be the she-devil cause I couldn't find the costume anywhere. But I've got something just as good in mind. HOPEFULLY, I'll be able to find everything I need tommorow! Ok, thats all, I gotta go get some things done! G-night! |
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| tRiCk oR tReAt!! |
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| 10:51pm 30/10/2003 |
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| My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul |
|---|
| littleboweavel goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as A Pirate Woman. | | 40ozsaviour gives you 2 light yellow grape-flavoured gumdrops. | | afuakinj gives you 11 light green blueberry-flavoured gummy bears. | | emisntcordin8d gives you 11 dark green coffee-flavoured pieces of taffy. | | hardcorewop gives you 6 light blue licorice-flavoured gummies. | | iamanesthesia gives you 12 light blue watermelon-flavoured gummy worms. | | innermeetme gives you 16 purple lemon-flavoured gummy bears. | | onemorelaugh gives you 17 red licorice-flavoured wafers. | | rachpure tricks you! You lose 47 pieces of candy! | | teener tricks you! You get an old sock. | | xdustin304x tricks you! You lose 4 pieces of candy! | | littleboweavel ends up with 24 pieces of candy, and an old sock. | | Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern. |
XoXo |
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| i'm gay |
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| 11:37pm 28/10/2003 |
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ahahahahah! !&$&@$&!*$&@^$^%&@+!_! My Lj picture is upside down! It's like I'm hanging from the sky! ohh god, it's soo funny! I'm sorry. I'll stop.
.:*Night*:.
XoXo |
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| - I'm not really Horny! I just wanted to see what the cat would look like! ahaha - |
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| 09:17pm 28/10/2003 |
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mood:  horny
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.:* Today's my brother's birthday. He's 17. What a wonderful thing. I guess. We had cake and it gave me an ice cream headache. Blah. I'm bored because I thought I'd be nice and stay here and hang out with my bro on his birthday but, his girlfriends here. So I don't exist. But I'm used to that. I never exist when other girls are around. haha. I'll always be the "cute" girl. Double Blah. I guess it's better than being the ugly girl. ha. I STILL can't find my costume. I might have to go rent one from magic makers. Anyone have any ideas? I have not a clue of what I could be. What do you guys picture me as being? Let me know! *Before Friday!* Ok, more lata!
-XoXo*:. |
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| 4 Days till...........HALLOWEEN! |
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| 07:29pm 27/10/2003 |
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mood:  flirty music: <3 PUNCHLINE!!! <3
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So I haven't posted for a couple of days now. Sorry bout that. I really don't have a good excuse. This weekend was complete shit. I didn't do much worth talking about. But I'll talk anyways.. Friday I hung out with the guys and we played The Simpsons "Hit and Run" on Ps2. It took me 3 times to beat my mission. They got a little aggravated with me. hehe. I didn't do anything at all on Saturday. Which was kinda nice. I like being lazy and hanging around in sweatpants all day. Sunday I almost slit my throat. My parents woke me up at 8:15 and ordered me to take a shower and get ready for *gasp* church. AHHH...It wasn't a complete surprise because they had been threatining it for a week, but I didn't think they would actually go through with it. Anyways, I've never had a harder time staying awake in my life. Everytime they would pray I'd get really excited cause it gave me a chance to take a little nap. ahahaha So after all the church stuff, I got home and had planned on spending another day in sweats, but Jess called. Woohoo! She told me about a show at the brickhouse and I went. AND THANK GOD I DID! I got to see -*-Punchline-*- I'm in frieken LOVE. They were the best band I've seen in a loooong time. So of course I'm gonna have to stalk them and drive an hour and a half (hopefully with Tina!) to New Martinsville to see them. I can't wait! ...... On a darker note, I can't find my halloween costume ANYWHERE! I'm in complete freak out mode, but I'm gonna wait till my mom gets home and ask her before I tear the whole house apart. uhh, I watched Pretty In Pink lastnight at like 3, what a swell movie. Damn, I wish it was the 80's. What a good time that would be. Also, I'm going to hollywood to kill all the producers of every reality based tv show that was ever made. But don't tell anyone. Ok, Just kiddin. But those shows piss me off. Another thing that pisses me off, not being able to find my costume. I already covered that didn't I? It's time to watch some brain rotting television!
-xoxo |
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| ........... |
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| 01:13pm 25/10/2003 |
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mood:  discontent
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eh, I'm lonely. I suppose I shouldn't be, I have the grandest friends a girl could have, yet I want more. In a completley selfish way, I want someone I can call all mine. Someone I can call when I'm bored and cuddle with when I'm feelin cuddly. haha. *sigh* What's a girl to do. I'm gonna quit my pitty party and go get some fruit snacks! yuuummmm!
XoXo
P.s.... I wish more people would fill out the little questionare from 2 entries ago... :( |
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| *ohh yeah.......... |
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| 01:10am 23/10/2003 |
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.:**THANKS TO CHRISSY.. for the journal makeova!
I LOVE YOU BIATCH! *:.
XOXO |
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| blah blah blah |
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| 01:07am 23/10/2003 |
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mood:  drained
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*I stole this from Hoss, who stole it from Tina. So fill it out! Lata playas. xoxo
01: what is your first memory of me:
02: how long have we been friends:
03: tell about one memory we share together:
04: describe me in four adjectives:
05: if we could spend a day together what would we do:
06: name one thing you really don't like about me:
07: name one thing you really do like about me:
08: if you could give me a gift what would it be:
09: have we ever gotten in a fight & about what:
10: have we ever hugged:
11: have we ever danced with each other:
12: have you ever seen me cry:
13: have i ever offended you:
14: what is something embarrassing that i've done:
15: what do i usually look like when you see me:
16: what do i say all the time/whats my catch phrase:
17: do you think we will be friends in 5 years:
18: do you think i am bitchy:
19: has there been anything you wanted to tell me, but didn't:
20: what advice would you give me, in general:
21: wanna make out:
22: suggest a band/cd for me to listen to:
23: is there a song that reminds you of me: |
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| grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! |
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| 02:33am 20/10/2003 |
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I fucked up my journal! It looks like shit, and I guess it will continue to look like shit until someone smarter than I, comes and fixes it for me. Thats all, I'm way too agravated.
-xoxo |
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| I'm soo fucking bored! |
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| 02:52am 19/10/2003 |
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Innocent
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
.............How chillingly accurate... I'm kind of weirded out...HAHAHAH
and this....
kissx thebottle: how's the jobbin' going?
kArAhSiEn84: psssh....they havent let me start yet
kissx thebottle: geez
kissx thebottle: I still need to look for more jobs
kArAhSiEn84: yea...im Pissed...with a capital P
kissx thebottle: so I can pay for my tatts
kissx thebottle: and monroe piercing
kArAhSiEn84: i hear ya... im thinkin about doin my nose myself
kissx thebottle: make chris geooorrrrgggyyyy or whatev his last name is do it and hook you up with a discount
kArAhSiEn84: i tried lastnight at taco bell, but he didn't seem interested.... so when he wasn't looking I shit in his taco
kArAhSiEn84: ahahahahha
kissx thebottle: ahahhahahaa
kissx thebottle: &*^%&%$#^#@!!!!!
kissx thebottle: that gave me a mental picture of you as a taco that shits ice cream
kArAhSiEn84: AHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!
kArAhSiEn84: shut up before I go dress up like a taco and try that!
kissx thebottle: ahahaha
kissx thebottle: come to my house first
kissx thebottle: I want some mint chocolate chip biatch
kArAhSiEn84: ewww gross...that just gave me the worst mental picture
kissx thebottle: ahahha
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...........ohh GOD. |
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| Someone please put a bullet through my skull. Ooooo the irony of it all, the fuckin irony of it all. |
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| 02:16am 19/10/2003 |
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kArAhSiEn84: whats up?
AHarsh2395: chillin girl
AHarsh2395: whatchu doin
kArAhSiEn84: nothin... just talkin bein bored
AHarsh2395: word
AHarsh2395: me too homie
AHarsh2395: whatchu doin tonight
kArAhSiEn84: nothin...stayin in... and you?
AHarsh2395: shit, i was wantin to do somethin soooooooo bad
AHarsh2395: but nothing...
kArAhSiEn84: ahhh, don't you hate that
AHarsh2395: no i like it
kArAhSiEn84: haha
AHarsh2395: have u seen the original?
kArAhSiEn84: YES
kArAhSiEn84: like 3945757201845.2 times
AHarsh2395: damn ... see, i havent even seen that one. im dyin jus to see one of em
kArAhSiEn84: WHAT... i'm gonna bring you the movie...thats ridiculous
kArAhSiEn84: lol
AHarsh2395: lol
AHarsh2395: so u have it?
AHarsh2395: niceness
kArAhSiEn84: no....I did until I left it at someones house this summer, but i'll go rent it and bring it to you... its hilarious
kArAhSiEn84: http://public.fotki.com/emucoupons/md/sarah.html
kArAhSiEn84: check that out
AHarsh2395: funny? say wha
AHarsh2395: aitee
AHarsh2395: woah, thats fuckin awesome
kArAhSiEn84: yea I know...my friend did that on his computer
AHarsh2395: do mine
AHarsh2395: haha
AHarsh2395: thats nuts
AHarsh2395: i know this sounds corny...but i set it as me wallpaper, just cause its so damn cool
kArAhSiEn84: ahahha... thats cool... I can't believe how good he did... it takes him like 4 to 6 hours to get it done
AHarsh2395: thats not bad at all
kArAhSiEn84: nope
kArAhSiEn84: haha, I can't stop looking at it
AHarsh2395: no shit, im like hypotnized by your beauty
kArAhSiEn84: awwwww, shut up
AHarsh2395: serious!!
kArAhSiEn84: :-[
kArAhSiEn84: haha
AHarsh2395: lol |
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| "China's here?? I don't know what the HELL that means" |
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| 02:00am 18/10/2003 |
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mood:  cheerful
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Well well, If it isn't my old friend live journal.... uhh, anyways... These past two days have been absolutely terrif! Let me tell y'all a little bout em'...
Thursday Night: Charlie arrives at my house. We make it to Huntington in record time, and didn't get pulled over by the cop that we past doin 80 on the interstate! WOOHOO! We arrive at the Chi house at a about 10:15, we stand around, and stand around... FINALLY, the rest of the crew arrives. Anyways, long story short, the bands sucked, but I got hit on *A LOT*, which made it a pleasant night. Can I just say that the drunk african american man was definately my favorite "hit". Although it was rather hard at times to desifer his ibonics, I did understand the words, "child uz an angle" and "what you doin, you workin for the victoria's secrets? You work on dem runways?" followed by a half laugh half cough thingy. Very amusing! So yea, we left at like 1, I think. And that was that.
Friday: I went to the Stretch show tonight. I think it was the biggest local show I've been too. SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE. It was great though cause I got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in forever. It was great to see you all! And on top of that I got to stand in close quarters with a guy that I think I'm developing a tiny crush on. <3 <3 I dunno, we'll see. I don't ever wann get my hopes up as high as I did in recent times. So I'm just gonna play it cool. Afterwards, a whole whord of people went to taco bell and cause some mad comotion. It was fun. A good two nights. I'm glad I got to experience them.
-xoxo |
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| lalalalalalala...... |
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| 12:31am 16/10/2003 |
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mood:  hyper music: none! ! !
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*here are some lyrics I found... tell me what you think*
*BE HONEST!*
Have you ever had to feal
(Ever had to deal)
Feal your heart ripping away from your chest
(this is real)
This kind of pain you inflict on my soul
(is taking its tole)
My hearts still beating as you hold it in your hand
(growing weaker with each demand)
My brains are rotting inside my skull
(so this is how it ends after all?)
Can you hear my corpse calling from the ground?
(screaming and hurting when you're not around)
This is were you've left me
After all this time
I was so damn determined
You'll never be mine
Fucked up with my perfect plans
You're walking away
Dirtied hands
Tragedy ends
Insanity begins
call me
when you need a friend
*ok, these are inspired by an actual situation* haha, I'm gay, someone shoot me! Jesusth Christ you guys!
-xoxo |
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| 09:37pm 14/10/2003 |
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mood:  crushed music: *Bouncing Souls - Hopeless Romantic*
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to scream and break everything around me. I want to cry until I drown myself in my tears. How could I be this stupid? How could I allow myself to be hurt all over again? Why can't I let go. Why don't I listen when people tell me to move on. This makes twice now that I've wanted to rip my heart out and throw it in his face. And I still tell myself not to give up. WHY!?!? I don't know what to do. I hate everything right now. I hate that I ever met him. I wish I could take this all back. Gosh if he only knew how much I hurt. I can't take this, I need to quit revolving my life around this stupid fantasy. I'm never gonna be good enough for him. And I don't want to hear him bitch about girls that treat him like crap anymore, I can't take it. I wanna be there for him, but it's killing me. And I don't want to be like this anymore. It's just to hard for me to be friends or even be around him anymore. That might seem selfish. And I'm sorry. But I've never felt this way, and as much as I didn't want it to end like this, it has to. It's not his fault, I just couldn't control my heart. Oh god, this really hurts. |
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| *Daddy dearest* |
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| 11:22pm 13/10/2003 |
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mood:  uncomfortable music: *Alkaline Trio - Good Morning*
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Well, today was about as pointless as a fucking sentence withou a period. And I suppose you're thinking, "then why the hell are you writing in your journal retard?" My comment to that, because I fuckin can you asshole. Anyways, in all seriousness, something totally important did occur. I got a letter. Not just any letter, a letter from my biological father. *quick tid bit of info for those of you who don't know: I've never seen him, he's never seen me. I've never even talked or had any contact with him whatsoever.* Anyways, the letter went a little something like this....."
October 3, 2003
Sara,
My birth certificate finally came in; I hope it will help you with what you need for school.
I know you must be a little nervous about me and I totally understand this. I want you to know that I am willing to answer any questions you may have when and if you are ready to ask them.
Well, I'm sure this letter is a little much for you. I know you have a lot going on in your life right now and I do not want to add to any additional stress for you. Please note that I am here for you when you want to write or talk or if you need anything. I also understand if this is to much for you and the time is not right, I want whatever you want, I have no right to ask for anything more, just please know that I am here and will be here if you need me.
With Love,
Tony "
So thats it. after 19 yrs of wondering who he was, and why he had never bothered to care that I existed, the silence was broken. When I first opened the letter I read it, put it down and just sat there, in a state of shock. All kinds of thoughts swimming through my head. And then I just started crying, like I had just been reassured of another fucked up situation in my life. I suppose all these years it had been easier to just pretend that he didn't exist, and I couldn't do that anymore. Reality had bitch slapped me once again. And now I'm sitting here, writing about it in a pointless journal that no one reads. And more most likely no one gives two shits about anything I just wrote. But it makes me feel better to get it out. And believe it or not, when I'm done here, I'm gonna go write him back. I'm not sure what I'm gonna say, and I'm not sure if I want to put myself through the emotions I'm about to face. But the only way to fix something thats fucked up is to deal with it. So that's what I'm gonna do. Wish me luck.
-xoxo |
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| Can anyone tell me when it gets better, or does it ever really get better than this? |
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| 12:55am 13/10/2003 |
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mood:  pleased
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Sooooooooooo.... Lastnight, I went to Huntington, Good times..I suppose. It seems that being drunk always leads to better times, but hey... whatever. I will admit however that a few of my friends are very interesting to watch from a sober point of view. hahah. I ended up leaving Huntington around 2 and going to another party in Hurricane, were I met up with Hoss and some other "old" friends. I ended up staying the night there. (Still completely sober)All in all, I'm just really fuckin tired. And thats my weekend. (I know, your all shittin your pants from excitment, I'm sorry!) ........Anyways...here's a survey!
+ Name. Sarah Carina Kien
+ Birthday. 07/08/1984
+ Nicknames. KarahSien
+ Location. Hurricane
+ what are you doing right now? Eating a poptart, getting chilly willy's from the fan, and talkin to Joshua.
+ what are you wearing? pink tank top and sweats
+ Do you like your neighbours? NOOOOO! they spy on me! I swear...it's sooo creepy.
+ what’s your magic number? 17
+ Do you smoke drink or do drugs? alchohol...my anti drug
What comes to mind when you hear these names?
+ Blair. witch
+ Shannon. for some reason "Pandabear" came to mind??
+ Thomas. Little?
+ Scott. Ransom....yum.
+ do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. BLAH.
+ what’s their name. BLah BLah
+ How long have you been going out. uhhm, about...BlahblahBLAH
+Have you ever been in love. yes and may I add BLAH
+ who was the best kisser. not telling.
+ Have you ever cheated on them. no
+ what’s your favourite thing to do with that special someone. I couldn't tell ya...it's been too long
+ What’s the best present you’ve gotten from someone. My Pig from Jess. <3
+ What qualities do you like in a guy or girl. Common thoughts. Uniqueness. LIP RINGS. Funny, sarcastic, intellegent, artistic,good taste all the time. I've only found one person who posseses all these qaulities, and well, lets just say........... BLAH.
Friendships
+ whose your best friend. Probably ...gosh this is tuff, Josh and Charlie?
+ what makes your best friend. i dunno...shut up
+ what do you guys do for fun. hang out...shoot pool..be gay...ohh wait thats just a joke
+ who is your oddest friend. I'm gonna pass on this ?
+ who is your funniest. Josh and Garrett
+ who is your happiest friend. shut up, we're all emo...ok, not really, probably, Lauren.
+ Who is your most annoying friend. I'll plead the fifth.
+ who is always there for you. Charlie
+ Best guy friend. All my friends are guys...and I like it that way!
+ Friend who could be more. Arrrggggh, go kill yourself.
Random
+ was this survey fun. no
+ Do you think we need to get a life. who is we? thats what I want to know, that way I can find you and end your pathetic survey makin-uping piece of shit lives. hahahaha
+ Are you a virgin. Y-E-S
+ who wants to be a millionaire. me.
+ Ever been to the Salisbury Zoo. Is that a zoo for the animals that they turn into Salisbury steaks?
+ what did you do on Halloween. Uhhm, what a dumb question, I dressed up and went trick-or-treating, duh.
+ what’s your favourite Scary movie. uhh...don't know.
+ Do you know what I did last summer? Ok, all of a sudden this survey went from a "we" to an "I"...i'm gonna go drown myself
+ Do you believe in magic. Yep...
+ When was the last time you ate a jawbreaker. 2 years, 8 months, 19 days, 7 hours, 34 minutes and 10 seconds ago.
+ what’s your favourite magazine. Cosmo....
+ Do you own a furby. ohh GOD no.
+ what does your boyfriend or girlfriend call you.
Non-Existent?
+ what’s your middle name. Carina
+ Do you stink. I sure hope not.
+ what do you think of cheerleading. I love it... I wanna be a cheerleader, except I'm not perky,pretty,preppy or peppy enough.
+ Favourite Disney character. I'm sure I had one at one point in my life...but not anymore
+ what brand of deodorant do you use. whatever brand my mom gets me..ha!
+ Worst kiss. Ewww.. I don't care to think about it
+ anyone you think is homosexual. me?
+ Do you know anyone named LeRoy. ahahah! I do! LeRoy Burns... I laugh at just the thought of that man...!
+ Do you like Pickles. how bout...NO
+ Do you have a website. nope.
+ Do you watch PORN. nope...only because I don't get it on satelite, which really sucks, cause sometime.... JUST KIDDING!
+ Are you black. Is this a trick question?
+ Do you wish you were black. Is this turning into a racial survey? I believe the correct term would be "colored"
+ Who you going to vote for. Oprah.
+ Do you have your own phone line.thats a negative. No one calls me as it is.
+ your thoughts on abortion. eh.
+ Do you like Brittney spears. she makes me feel bad about myself.
+ Do you want a Brittney doll. gross.
+ If not do you want one for Christmas. no. Jesus Christ you guys.
+ what do you want for Christmas. A boyfriend.
+ Do you have your 2 front teeth. yesth.
+ What do you want to do with your life. Become a professional Clothes Designer, and make LOTS of $$$$$$$$$
+ Ever been butt naked bangin on the bathroom floor. Like a virgin...oooh...
+ Would you ever get plastic surgery if so on what. nah
+ Biggest redneck you know. Everyone of my neighbors
+ Last time you went to skateland. NEVER
+ Last time you went to the bowling alley. long time ago
+ Last time you were in a hoopdy truck. jigga what?
+ What perfume/cologne do you wear. Sweet Temptation
+ Do you think foreign accents are sexy. YA!
+ Do you like jell-o if so what flavour. ALL OF THEM!
+ Do you like hot dogs if so do you know what’s in them. no, and no.
+ Brand of toothpaste. Crest
+ Last time you went to the doctor. 2 weeks ago..
+ Do you think Ricky martin is gay. yes.
+ Do you think my tractors sexy. Negative
+ Do you have a credit card...can I use it? no. no. and no.
+ Do you love your mom. YA! SIGRID! ICHE LIEBE DICH!
+ Do you love your mom as much as Norman bates did in PSYCHO. .....uh...
+ Ever taken ballet. yep 2 years.
+ Favourite juice. Fruit punch?
+ Last time you used the restroom. ?
+ Most attractive person. no comments.
+ Have any diseases, if so what are they. "I think I just pooped my pants" As told by Brent Meadows ...ahahahha
+ Last book you read...was it good. no.
+ White, dark, or milk chocolate. milk
+ Ever died your hair. yes
+ what brand shampoo. Sheer Blonde
+ Favourite holiday. Christmas!
+ Thing you hate most about your body. all of it
+ Do you still play with Barbies. I wish.
+ Last thing or person you rode. in my Corolla.
+ Are men really from mars. no, they're from Hell.
+ Do you have to do chores if so what are they. ha...that list could go on for days..
+ Last time you smoked. I don’t smoke
+ Last thing you bought. subway
More.
+ Number of times I have been in love. 1
+ Number of times I have had my heart broken. 1
+ Number of hearts I have broken. ??
+ Number of boys I have kissed. ?
+ Number of men I've slept wit. 0
+ Number of continents lived on. 2
+ Number of drugs taken illegally. ...?
+ Number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends. 1
+ Number of people I consider my enemies. 278896
+ Number of people from high school that I stayed in contact with. just a handful.
+ Number of cd's that I own. ?...
+ Number of piercings. 2
+ Number of tattoos. 0
+ Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper. ALOT
+ Number of scars on my body. A WHOLE HELL OF ALOT
+ Number of things in my past that I regret. A HELL OF ALOT MORE THAN THE HELL OF ALOT BEFORE X 2.
THE END!
xoxo - KarahSien |
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| .........the vent line is now open......... |
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| 11:57pm 09/10/2003 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: *Bouncing Souls - Hopeless Romantic* <3
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.:* So today started out normal enough. I woke to the sound of the tv and my mom teasing my dog with a bacon treat. More often than not I'm completely annoyed by the combination and rudely slam my door as loudley as possible. But this morning I decided to let it slip. ;) So after like 3 bowls of Lucky Charms (!-They're magically delicious-!) I got in the shower and did my thing. I went to Elderbeerman around 2 and went through about 3 1/2 hours of training. Which I might add, I have yet to complete. I also found out that I'm not allowed to wear jeans to work, which pretty much sums up my entire wardrobe. So it looks like I'll need to do a little "preppy attire" shopping. Ohhh but wait, who doesn't have any money???.......... ME! So yea, looks like I'll once again have to beg the rents for some dough. This could be a problem considering I'm already in the hole with them for $75. I know, I know, I'm screwed. Anyways.... I found out that I'm gonna be working in the kids department and the Jewelry department! Not bad! I figured they'd stick me somewhere homo, for instance: handbags, or kitchen wear. Hooray for them not being homo! ................ My mom made meatloaf for dinner. 2 words...up chuck. I hate meatloaf. I mean think about it. It's a loaf of meat. How unattractively descriptive. I ate some mashed potatoes though. So it's all good. I decided not to go out tonight, considering I'm gonna be out all weekend and I don't wanna overdo things. I kinda wish I had gone out though, cause certain events tonight have left my mind in think mode again. And as we all know, think mode can be a bad thing. I'll explain first then vent. My mom's watching this extreme makeover show, and whining every commercial break about how ugly she's getting and how she doesn't want to end up looking like her mom. This has me disgruntled because I don't think my mom's getting ugly, and I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with the way my grandma looks. <3 <3 Next she turns to me and says, why can't I look like you? You're never gonna look old or ugly. This starts to dig in to me a little deeper. First off, I hate to think about the prospect of my mom growing old. Thats always terrified me. And secondly I hate when she refer's to me as "perfect" when she knows damn well that I have a lot of personal problems with my image. I constantly feel unattractive for being to thin, and she's constantly reminding me of how wonderful it would be to not have to worry about her weight. AHHHHH! As if this isn't enough, my dad storms in the house after previously storming out to hurriedly pay the electric bill and plants his behind right beside my moaning mother. Except he's carrying on his own conversation about the "damn" cops that are "everywhere you look" and trying to get my mom to respond to his griping, who of course is more concerned with making sure everyone knows just how ugly she thinks she's getting. I'm now growing more pissed off by the second, and who should appear? My brother, screaming about some number that my dad has to call because he supposedly won a 4 night trip to Florida. My mom perks up and get's really interested, while my brother continues to whale about how "it's probably to late to claim it, I told you yesterday to call, but you were to frieken busy. Who cares, right dad?" Then my dad comes in with the "who really cares, it's just some scam anyways" line, and my mom says "Don, why are you always such an asshole, just call the number" , and my brother proceeds to look at me and say, "GO GET THE PHONE! HURRY!" I at this point look at him and say, "go get it yourself" And to my surprise he did. So I had to leave all the action before I exploded. And I found myself once again alone with all my thoughts. Thats were the venting comes in. .. . .. Whatever happened to positive thinking? Is that totally a thing of the past? I mean, it just seems to me that it's nearly impossible to find a genuinely happy person over the age of 15, hell 12 anymore. I can remember when I was younger the only thing my parents would gripe about would be who loved who more. And that's how it was, until I was about 12, when my dad got layed off and we didn't have money, then it's like the whole world just turned into this grey place, where nobody survives unless you lots of money. And my parents were no longer griping about who loved whom, they were griping about money, and bills, and petty things that I never new exsisted. And so I followed in their footsteps, and started griping at my brothers for being to loud, or eating their food the wrong way, or even singing. It all started out slowly, a gripe here, a gripe there, until the whole family was in on it. And one day, while sitting at the dinner table listening to everyone bash on each other about everything imaginable, it all hit me at once. I couldn't remember the last time we had told each other "i love you" or the last time I had tucked my baby brothers in to bed, or the last time a whole day had went by without a fight. So I just started crying. Quietly at first, and then to the point where I was sobbing uncontrollably. And everyone just got quite and looked at me. I was completley embarrassed and totally confused by the rush of emotions that had come over me, so I just ran downstairs to my room and shut myself in it. It was then that I realized everything around me had become so negative. I missed being a kid and thinking beautiful positive thoughts. Going to bed every night looking forward to the next day, finding good in every new person that I met. Hugging my parents until my arms got sore, tickle parties with my brothers, constantly smiling and always seeing a brighter side to the worst situations. I guess I felt like all the had been sucked out of me, ok, I knew that it had. And I felt even more upset when I realized that I might not ever be able to get those feelings back again. I told myself that turning old meant you had to grow up, and this was all part of growing up. And I sort of shoved the little episode into the back of my head. But recently all of those thoughts have been resurfacing. And tonight, they blew up. I really, really, really, want to start being a more positive person. And I feel like it's nearly impossible. I'm surrounded by soooo much negativity. Not just by the people around me, but in myself as well. I want to feel young and sunny again. Is there really anything wrong with that? I mean, I honestly think there is good in all people. And I do believe that things can still be beautiful and sunny. But it's so hard to get back to that place. Especially when reality's such a bitch. My mom always tells me to grow up when I throw out random thoughts of "positive thinking" and I suppose I've listened to her over time. But if growing up means that your whole life has to be dreary and full of unhappiness. Well, I'm not so sure I wanna grow up. It seems like no matter how hard I try to find happiness as an adult, I still urn for the days of my childhood. Maybe I'm just hopeless. Yeah I'd consider that as a good answer for my dilemma. I'm hopeless in so many ways. In the love department especially. I suppose it's completley childish to have a crush on someone for 3 years thats never even shown any kind of sign they might ever want a relationship with you? Is it also childish that I'm insanely jealous of my brother's girlfriends because I'm not as important as I used to be? I don't know, I think I should seek some counseling though. Or maybe all yound adults have these thoughts. Whatever, I just needed to vent. So yeah, keep smiling everyone. The worlds not such a bad place, you just make it seem that way. *:.
-xoxo |
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| *Another stolen survey, compliments of Chrissay!* (mwauh!) |
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| 02:08am 09/10/2003 |
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FIRSTS:
First best friend: *Sarah Pladder in Cali. I know what your thinking, what kinda last name is Pladder, just shut the hell up! She was my BFF, jesus you're shallow.*
First real memory of something: *Standing on my Grandma's porch in Germany and giving some little boy a kiss on the mouth and my grandma saying, "you 2 are gonna be married one day, I'd bet my house on it." I'm glad she didn't make that bet.*
First date: *Probably in 9th grade, Casey Thorniley*
First real kiss: *I'd rather not talk about it.*
First Break-up: *I'm guessing you'd have to have had a boyfriend to answer this one?*
First Job: *McDonald's...For 7 months of my fuckin life*
First screen name: *Oh gosh, I'm gonna get hell for this... Babeegrl84 ahahahah!*
First self-purchased album: *Alanis Morrisette,(I think thats how you spell it) Anyways, my mom took it away from me for awhile because she didn't think I was old enough to listen to that "shit" ha!*
First funeral: *My Great Uncles*
First pet: *Minka The kitty*
First piercing/tattoo: *My ears when I was a year old.*
First enemy: *This ones soooo easy..Regina fuckin Taylor, she picked on me in 9th grade to the point were I thought about just hitting her once really hard even though I knew she'd beat the shit out of me afterwards.*
First big trip: *The trip from Europe to the States.*
First musician you remember hearing in your house: *Cher...ohh god, I'm so glad I turned out ok.*
LASTS:
Last cigarette: *uhhm, NEVER.*
Last big car ride: *The ride to Dayton*
Last kiss: *Must we go there?*
Last good cry: *Last time I really thought about certain things.* :(
Last library book checked out: *Libraries are to fuckin quiet for me. I gotta make noise..LOts OF NOISE! yayayay!*
Last movie seen: *Boy's don't cry*
Last beverage drank: *PEPSI!!<3 <3 <3*
Last food consumed: spaghetti like 10 minutes ago. Yes, thats right, I eat this late at night, and no it's not because I didn't eat dinner because I had taco bell with Josh and Andy's sis at like 6 so just shut up, cause I'm hungry. And now that I think about it, I'm still hungry and I'm gonna go get some teddy grahams. psssh.*
Last crush: *Mr. J-Harsh. duh.*
Last phone call: *My dadday*
Last tv show watched: *Conan O'Brien*
Last time showered: *3 or so?*
Last shoes worn: *My Black New Balance Tennies.*
Last cd played: *My burnt Nerfherder cd*
Last item bought: *My food from Taco bell*
Last annoyance: *Watching certain girls make complete asses of themselves and my guy friends acting like it's the greatest thing in the whole fuckin world. Maybe thats why I don't have a boyfriend.I guess self respect is a bad thing?*
Last disappointment: *If I got started I wouldn't be able to stop*
Last ice cream eaten: *Rockie Ockie Road!*
Last shirt worn: *My Hot Pink Husband Beater...ahaha*
.:*Hope you enjoyed*:.
Till next time~
xoxo |
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| HOLY SHIT! |
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| 11:53pm 06/10/2003 |
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Ohh my ghhaaad! I haven't wrote in this thing in forever! I may have actually forgot that it existed. huh, imagine that. ANYWAYS, I bet your all dying to know whats new with me aren't you? Well to be totally honest. Notta lot. I got kicked out of scholl by the evil bastards in the financial aid office. That was a whoot. So now I'm on the hunt for a job to occupy my time. (No luck yet) You can still find me spending most of my time in H-town though. Cause thats where most of the gang resides now. Uhhm, by the way, thanks to everyone who took care of me Saturday. (especially Charlie and Josh) I love you guys! <3 <3 And thanks to everyone who wished to better health when I was in the hospital! I love you all! <3 <3 <3 **Chrissy the 2 white roses will live on foreva! haha** ...............Someone needs to think up a way for me to make $31.20 really fast! I want to get my nose pierced soOoOoO bad! but all I have saved is ... $8.80! hahaha, So if anyone has any ideas let me know! .............In other news, THE SHOW LAST NIGHT WAS GRRRRREEEEEAAAAAATTTTTT!!!! Sorry to Evan and Josh who couldn't be there. :( It would have been even better if you 2 could have made it! .........Ok, thats all for now! I'm off to get so sleep! Goodnight, but not goodbye.
xoxo |
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littleboweavel's journal